Furry Tails :The Three Hideous Cat-Bear Creatures
by Ruffles
Summary: I too have been enlisted in the fairy tale crossover game, here we have the Three Hideous Cat-Bear Interspecies Breeding Mistakes... and Golden-Mane, the dude with the name. You'll understand if you read it and live.


_The Three Hideous Cat-Bear Interspecies Breeding Mistakes_

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_Once upon a time, in a wood not too far from where you know your cat goes to take a piss every morning, a cat was walking. She met a bear, and the bear raped her cruelly, because... uh... he was in love with her. Anyhoo. The cat had two hideous bear species cross babies, called Jellylorum and Jennyanydots. Though both were girls, Jenny was kind enough to have a sex change, because nobody could ever love a Hideous Cat-Bear Interspecies Breeding Mistake, and the two inbred a child, Bombalurina._

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A few years after the birth, Bomba realised how she wasn't like the other cats, and that was why no one would look directly at her or allow her to go outside to play in the sunlight.   
So she whined and whined about that damned sunlight rule, and one morning Jennyanydots and Jellylorum dressed her in a metal Hannibal Lecter style suit, and wheeled her outside for a walk.  
While she was gone, Golden-Mane, a spoiled, greedy, fullashit self proclaimed sex god, discovered the little cottage that the three hideous bear-cat creatures inhabited.  
Though he was only there to get a picture of the local freaks, Golden-Mane soon discovered the Family Hideous were not home.   
Walking through the cottage, he found three bowls of catnip, sitting on a table.  
Trying the biggest bowl, he said "That's NOT real catnip!!! That's every day household lint!!! This will never get me high!" moving onto the next bowl, he tried the catnip in it.  
With a disgusted glare he cried "THIS CATNIP HAS BEEN DOUSED IN PETROL!", sighing, he wondered if he should even brave the last bowl.  
Against his better judgement, but for the sake of the story, he tried the last bowl.  
"Aaaaaah... puuuurrrrrrdddddyyyy collaaaahss..." he slurred absently, as Bombalurina had sabotaged the other two bowls in the hope of destroying the hideousness that had made her so deformed, and only her own bowl had enough catnip in it to give her a life time of mis-guided belief that she was gorgeous.  
Golden-Mane was soon sufficiently high to be convinced there was actually something of any interest at all in the next room, and he padded through, crying tears of blood just to make it interesting.  
In the next room, The-High-Golden-Mane found three cat toys.  
The first was a ball of yarn, and he began to bat at it playfully, only to discover that someone, who shall remain unnamed so that she may succeed in destroying this race of monsters, had put tiny syringes filled with poison all the way through the yarn.  
The-High-Golden-Mane sighed as the poison entered his blood stream and went for his heart, and moved onto the next toy.  
The next toy was a catnip mouse, and The-High-and poisoned-Golden Mane, though he was certain another dose of catnip would surely kill him, began to play with it.  
With a disgusted cry he shoved the catnip mouse away "That's not Catnip! It's Cannabis!".  
Once again on the verge of death, The-High-and poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-Golden-Mane stupidly moved onto the third toys, because everything in this goddamned tale comes in threes.  
The third cat toy was a ball with a bell in it, and though it was perfectly safe to play with because it belonged to Bombalurina, The-High-and poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-Golden-Mane was too dense to realise that, and smashed it repeatedly with the poisonous yarn.   
With his paws filled with poison, and it's heart beating for the last few times it ever would, The-High-and poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-Golden-Mane trotted merrily on his way upstairs, to find a sufficiently comfortable place to die.  
Upstairs, The-High-and poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Golden-Mane found three incredibly predictable cat beds, one was huge for Jenny was fat, one was medium sized for Jellylorum was deprived, and one was tiny for Bombalurina was forced to sleep in the microwave, and Jenny let the mice have the last bed.  
Golden-Mane lay down in the large bed, and it would have been wonderfully comfortable... except Bombalurina had put a bear-trap in it, to destroy Jennyanydots.  
Pulling his bloodied, poisoned, high body from the trap, The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Slightly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane moved to the medium sized bed.  
He climbed into the medium sized bed, only to find barely aluive pirahnas, who were more than happy to snap at his wounds from the bear trap. The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane was beginning to wonder who had it in for him, and he climbed painstakingly back out of the bed, pirahnas clinging to him like Etcetera on a weekend.  
Though the last bed was really really small, The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-  
pirahnas-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend tried to get into it anyway, wishing death upon himself and the freaks who set up those traps for him.  
Sadly, the mice were in there, and they were a bit peckish, they ate most of The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-pirahnas  
-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend's flesh, yet he still lived to crawl out of that bed, and gain another extension to his name.   
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has- pirahnas-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed wasn't feeling very well.  
Now, children, you may think that was the end of The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has- pirahnas-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed, but it isn't, because I need as many excuses as possible to put in that name with something else added to it, to we'll continue with his suffering for a little longer.

Soon, the Three Hideous Cat-Bear Interspecies Breeding Mistakes Had come home, because Bombalurina was claustrophobic, and they were worrying about how the mice would be peckish, and after something to eat.  
When they got home, they found the three bowls.  
"Somebody's replaced my cat nip with lint!" cried Jennyanydots, wondering how he could have missed such an important ingredient as "Catnip" when he was making the catnip.  
"Someone's doused my catnip in petrol!" wailed Jellylorum, taking it anyway.  
"Someone's taken all my catnip!!!" wailed Bombalurina, crawling out of the Hannibal Lecter suit "Now I'll always know I'm ugly!"   
"Who could have done such a thing?" asked Jenny, unsure if he was talking about the petrol or the Catnip that was missing, and not giving a flying fuck either.  
They moved on into the next room, and Jellylorum swallowed the poisonous yarn, killing her and putting her out of Bombalurina's misery.   
"Oh no!" cried Jenny, ignoring the death of his wife, and yelping "Someone filled my catnip mouse with Cannabis!!!"  
"Oh woe," sniffled Bombalurina "Someone hath destroyed the safe toy..."  
Sighing sadly, the pair of them, and moving right along as fast an felinly possible to upstairs...

"SOMEONE HAS BEEN SLAUGHTERED WITH A BEAR TRAP IN MY BED!!!" yelled Jenny at the top of his lungs.  
"SOMEONE SET OFF THE BEARTRAP I PUT IN YOUR BED!!!" screeched Bomba "AND THEY'VE RUINED MY PIRAHNA TRAP ... though that doesn't matter, Jellylorum's already dead. AND LOOK! THEY FED THE MICE WITH THEIR OWN FLESH!!!" she pointed at the mice, who had blood covered muzzles and looked quite gleeful.   
When we last left The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-pirahnas  
-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed, he was on the verge of death and crawling away from the mice, well he still is, it ain't easy to move fast in that condition.   
"Look! It's a Deformed Fulla-shit Self Proclaimed Sex God!!!" said Bomba, pointing "What's your name?"  
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-pirahnas  
-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed sighed, and read over the story, trying to figure out where to fit the next extension in.  
"My...name...is ... The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-pirahnas  
-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed-the-one-and-only-Deformed- Fullashit-sex-god...The Rum Tum Tugger for short."  
"Oh." said Bombalurina as she shot Jennyanydots for being a hideous freak who'd also had a sex change and then inbred with his/her sister "My name's Bombalurina."  
"Great." said The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has- pirahnas-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed-the-one-and -only-Deformed- Fullashit-sex-god...The Rum Tum Tugger for short as he died as well.  
"Heeeeey catnip!" cried Bombalurina, and she took a motherload of the stuff, and convinced herself for all eternity that she was gorgeous.

The End

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End file.
